Can't Go Back
by hhwgv
Summary: When Dean is off doing who knows what with Crowley, Kevin and Sam take a little break from the bunker and re-visit Kevin's hometown. Reviews are appreciated!


Everything looked dull and grey underneath the thick layer of clouds that blanketed the sky. The birds were still chattering in the trees, which were shedding their red-gold leaves. Kevin felt the wind rustle his hair as he sat on the swing set at his old elementary school. The playground was empty and still, missing the shouts and giggles of the children that usually scrambled around it, playing their versions of different schoolyard games.

Sitting there, Kevin was reminded just how much his life had changed. When he was in elementary school, getting a question wrong on a math quiz was the worst thing that could happen. Now he was entangled in the world of demons and angels, and it was his job to get the angels back into heaven somehow. it was intimidating to know that there was so much riding on him, everyone was depending on him to get the job done. There was a part of him that wanted to go back to being young and naïve, to go back to being carefree, when his biggest concern was whether Lucy Johnson liked him or not. If things had turned out the way he'd expected them to, he'd be just another college student right now, unaware of the things that were going on around him. But, if things had turned out the way he'd expected them to, he wouldn't have met Sam.

Sam was the one shining light in the never-ending darkness his life had become. He kept Kevin sane, kept him hydrated and fed, made sure that he took breaks every few hours. If Dean had it his way, Kevin would constantly be in the library staring at that stupid rock, trying to make some sense of it. The only reason he got to come back here was because Dean had gone somewhere with Crowley and Sam was tired of being cooped up in the bunker.

Kevin wasn't _in love _with Sam, but he loved the big lug. He'd never felt more compatible with someone than he did with Sam. If it was possible to have platonic soul mates, that's how Kevin would describe their relationship. There was never any awkwardness between the two of them, and Sam didn't boss him around the way Dean did. Sure, Sam could be bossy when Kevin didn't sleep, or when he forgot to eat, but he never pressured the prophet. He would offer to help with whatever he could and they would watch movies or play video games together whenever they needed a break.

"Hey," Sam interrupted Kevin's thoughts, squeezing himself into the swing next to him. "How's it feel to be back?"

"Weird," Kevin answered. "Everything's changed since the last time I was here, it's like I'm a completely different person." He sighed, "Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if things had gone just a little bit differently? If that _one thing _wouldn't have happened?"

"I try not to," Sam replied, twisting in his swing so he was facing Kevin, "but, yeah, I do. Sometimes I wonder about Jess and what it'd be like if she hadn't been killed. Would I be a lawyer right now? Would we have gotten married, settled down, had a few kids, a dog? Or how we'd be completely different people if our mom had never died… What do you think you'd be doing if you hadn't been dragged into this?"

"I'd probably be in university, studying to become an engineer or something," Kevin shrugged, kicking the rocks at his feet. "I'd be just another student. I'd be worrying about midterms and papers and labs. I'd still be pouring over books all day, but there wouldn't be as much pressure. It'd be my mom breathing down my neck instead of Dean."

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, watching the leaves fall from the trees and a bird taking a bath in a puddle. Kevin was glad that he could talk about things with Sam, things other than the tablet and whether or not he'd translated it yet. When he'd first met the Winchesters, Kevin had made the mistake of attempting to confide in Dean about his fears and the fact that he wasn't quite sure what being a prophet entailed and he was introduced to Dean's "no chick flick moments" rule. Apparently that encompassed apologizing, talking about _any _feelings (other than lust, which was allowed), and thanking people. The only intimate thoughts Dean shared were about the various women he'd been with or would like to be with, which were conversations that usually made Kevin uncomfortable.

Dean picked up on that, of course, and used it to embarrass Kevin. He would pick fun at the way the prophet blushed and tried to change the subject whenever something remotely sexual came up. On Kevin's birthday, Dean had wanted to take him to a strip club or to a bar to pick up girls, but Kevin wasn't into it. He didn't want to have sex with a random stranger, he didn't want to have sex at all. The elder Winchester seemed to have difficulty wrapping his head around that. To him, it didn't make sense that a young guy like Kevin was okay with being a virgin and uninterested in changing that fact. It prompted him to call Kevin a "nerd," but it didn't concern him. He wasn't going to do something he didn't want to do, just to please Dean.

Still, it did make him feel like he was different. Even in high school, when all of the other guys would talk about girls they wanted to bang or girls they thought were hot, Kevin didn't really get it. Most of the time, when he tried to explain it, the guys would call him a prude or tell him that he should see a doctor because they thought that something must be wrong if he didn't want to have sex. "Sam, do you think I'm weird?" Kevin blurted out without thinking.

"Not really… why do you ask?" Sam responded, furrowing his brows.

"Well, I mean, Dean thinks so," Kevin pointed out. When Sam stared at him expectantly, he continued, "Like, because I, uhh… I'm not really interested in sex. I never have been. I guess it's something that doesn't really make sense or matter to me… Sometimes I feel like I _should _be interested in it because everyone else is, but I'm just… not."

"No, that's not weird at all," Sam assured him. "Do you think you're weird because you're not interested in cars like Dean is? Or because you don't like pie as much as he does?"

"I guess not," Kevin murmured. "But aren't guys my age supposed to constantly want sex?"

"Everyone's different," Sam shrugged. "Just because asexuality isn't talked about as much as different orientations doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Sexual orientation is complex and confusing, but at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how you feel about it. It's okay if Dean doesn't get it, as long as you're comfortable with yourself."

Kevin went silent, listening to the creak of the metal swing set as he pushed himself back and forth. Asexuality. He'd heard of asexual reproduction in plants, but he'd never heard of asexuality in humans. It made sense, though. There were people who were sexually attracted to inanimate objects, there had to be other people who weren't attracted to anyone.

He looked out over the playground at his former school, remembering where they were. It brought back memories of the time he'd fallen off of the platform at the top of the slide and broke his arm and the time Dylan McKay, the school bully, pants-ed him in front of everyone and his underwear had went down too. This school was where he discovered his love of math and music. It played such a huge role in creating who he was… well, who he was before he was a prophet.

"Let's get out of here," Kevin suggested as he jumped off the swing. The rocks crunching under his feet reminded him of the countless times he'd done that as a kid. "Let's go do something fun or get something to eat."

Sam agreed and they walked to the car. As they drove away, Kevin stole a final glance at the school. He knew that he probably wouldn't see it again, but it was for the best. It was time for him to focus on who he was becoming instead of yearning to go back to being the kid he was. He needed to accept that this was his life now and there was nothing he could do to change that.

When Kevin and Sam got back to the bunker, Dean was still gone with Crowley. Kevin breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that Dean would be displeased with their trip. The prophet was supposed to be translating the word of God, not reliving childhood memories. That was forbidden. Dean was a little too demanding most of the time, he didn't get that Kevin couldn't read the tablet like he could read a Harry Potter novel, it took time.

Kevin plopped himself down in the library and picked up where he left off, trying to decipher the carvings in the stone. The excursion Sam took him on had proven to be beneficial, it helped to remind him that there was a time his life didn't revolve around translating the tablet and, once he had, he would be able to move on and find something else to do, but first he had to focus on the task at hand.


End file.
